People Are Assholes. So Fuck You, Asshole.

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People Are Assholes, So Fuck You!
(Thoughts Of A Reluctant Asshole)

By Ken Rooni

Last Updated: January 16, 2008

Today's Date: , 2008

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read my site and sign the guestbook.

Here's The Big Meaningful Quote!!

They're Takin’ My Humanity And Trying To Pull It Out Of Me. I'm Just A Man, But I'm Trying To be a Human.
- John Wesley Harding

Introduction

First of all I have a confession to make. I am an asshole; so fuck me! I wasn’t always an asshole, in fact I used to be a really nice person. I gave to charity, was polite, smiled at people, showed compassion, held the door open for others, said “please” and “thank you” (just like mom taught me). Hell, I even returned a lost wallet (money and all).

But as I grew older, I realized most people are jerks! Most people are rude, self-centered, bitter, lazy, greedy, ignorant S.O.B.’s. I can barely go out in public without encountering at least one jerkoff.

I really wish I was man enough to not let these assholes effect me, but, alas, I am not. They have successfully converted me to their “way of life” (as opposed to THE “Way Of Life”).

I use the term “Way Of Life” because it is the translated title of the great Chinese philosopher Loa Tzu’s book the “Tao Teh Ching." He believed a person’s conduct should rely on one’s conscience, and that one’s conscience should oversee four principles: to care, to respect, to be fair, and to be humble. He believed people in a natural state (one without other's interference) would gravitate to these principles. I would sum up the meaning of the “Way Of Life” by using one of Loa Tzu’s many teachings:

A sound man’s heart is not shut within itself
but is open to other people’s hearts:
I find good people good and I find bad people good if I am good enough;
I trust men of their word and I trust liars if I am true enough;
I feel the heart-beats of others above my own
if I am enough of a father enough of a son.

Unfortunately, I must respond: “I don’t think so! Gravitate naturally? Take a look around pal. People are naturally assholes." This “Way Of Life” is a wonderful thing, but, by looking around anyone can see that it doesn’t come naturally. I think to achieve it one must work their ass off. What it means to be human is really, a simple thing, if one doesn't rationalize truth to fit his conduct. However, knowing these principles and acting on them are two different things.

Now, here is a sad confession (especially for me). I am, as Loa Tzu would put it, a “Kin Of Death," which really kinda sucks! But obviously by writing a book called “People Are Assholes, So Fuck You” it is not hard to see that I have let myself harden and fell from the “Way Of Life;" thus becoming a “Kin Of Death." Loa Tzu would explain it as follows:

Man, born tender and yielding,
stiffens and hardens in death.
All living growth is pliant,
until death transfixes it.
Thus men who have hardened are “kin of death”
and men who stay gentle are “kin of life”.

If I were on the “Way Of Life” I would have remained a gentle man, but I have been hardened by all those assholes that I encounter. This saddens me for two reasons. First, by becoming hardened I contribute to the problem I despise; and secondly, I am disappointed in myself for not being a better person. Although it is easy to understand the “Way Of Life” and figure out what it means to be human, it is extremely difficult to live up to those standards. The way it should be and the way it is are often not even related when they should be one.

However all this doesn’t change the fact that there are a lot of assholes in the world, and that is what this book is about. Some of the people in this book are huge assholes (like child abusers). Others are included for petty reasons (people who cut in line); they are just my pet peeves. There is no particular order to the list; and I am more likely to comment on entries that are my pet peeves than on the people who are huge assholes. This is because the huge assholes are pretty much self explanatory.

With that said I am starting to feel a little guilty about writing this book, so I have decided to write a sequel: “Some People Are Awesome, So be More Like Them." Because some people are exceptional human beings, they deserve accolades. They Are strong enough to remain true to “the Way." Unfortunately they are few and far between!

I have confessed my guilt, so if you see yourself in any of the people in my book make a change, become a better person. In fact, I just decided that I will put an Asterisk in front of all the entries that I am guilty of, maybe I can become a better person too. If you see yourself in any of the people in my book, and don’t even attempt to change yourself, you are an asshole! This book is dedicated to you.

I would love to say that the hope of change, both yours and mine, is what drove me to start this book, but it isn’t. I wrote this because a lot of people piss me off. One day some asshole really pissed me off, there are so many I don’t remember which one. So I said to my wife and a couple of friends: “I should write a book called `People Are Assholes, So Fuck You.'" They looked at me as if saying: “having a good day?” They all thought I was being extremely bitter and quite possibly was crazy. Accusations I have not yet denied. So, I confess this book was born out of bitterness; but maybe by writing it I can purge myself of some of it. If not, one more asshole in the world isn’t going to kill anybody. Is it???

If a change occurs or if you would like to add something to the list, e-mail me at: Maybe it’s not to late for all of us to find “the Way."

THE LIST
(IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER)

1. * Me. I admit it; I’m an asshole. I’m bitter, crabby and intolerant of stupid or rude people. I’m especially intolerant of assholes! If somebody is an asshole to me, then I feel the need to be an asshole back. I’ll even go out of my way to do it. It’s probably the Italian in me. I like to think that the other person is an asshole to me first, then I react as an asshole, but I’m sure all assholes think that. I’m also an asshole for being a “kin of death” instead of a “kin of life."

2. Dan Garcia. In March, New Jersey Nets basketball coach John Calipari, in a moment of anger, called Dan Garcia, a reporter for the Newark Star-Ledger a “fucking Mexican idiot”. It’s true that Mr. Calipari is an asshole for calling him a “fucking Mexican idiot”, but Mr. Garcia is an even bigger asshole for suing for 5 million dollars. Fuck you Senior, but the last time I read the Bill Of Rights (I’m bluffing) Americans still had freedom of speech. What’s the problem - he called you a Mexican Idiot instead of a plain old idiot? That’s worth 5 mil? Fuck you! Settle it like a man, punch Mr. Calipari in his “big fuckin’ Italian nose”. For 5 Million you can call me a “dago, garlic licking, wop, sausage sucking, grease ball idiot”. I got no problems with it - for 5 million. For nothing - I’ll send one of da boys to see you about respect.

3. I don’t even know who to point my anger at for this one, but I just saw a billboard that read “Who’s the father? - Call 1 800 DNA_TEST”. What the fuck is wrong with this world that we now have to advertise that we are a nation of hedonistic sluts. I can just picture their next ad campaign: “Hey, I fucked 20 guys, took no precautions, and got pregnant. How am I going to get paid if I don’t know who the father is? - Call 1 800 DNA-TEST.” What has happened to any moral decency left in the world. Hey, I’m all for a good fuck, but this has gone too far. This is not an add for DNA testing, it’s exhibit A in my “Humans are too stupid to live” campaign.

4. Wife beaters. I heard men beat their wives because of an insecurity problem derived from “Small Penis Syndrome."

5. That old bitch from the Titanic movie. Why the fuck would you throw a billion dollar necklace into the sea? For love, all the morons say. Well, fuck you. That’s not love it’s stupidity. You want love-here it is. Build 500 Women’s shelters in your love's name. Donate the money to charity - at the press conference tell everyone about your True Love. What the fuck good did it do to throw it in the sea?

6. *Anyone who saw the Titanic movie. What a waste of money. I would have had more fun hammering a nail into my testicles! I have a general rule - If 14 year old girls see a movie 8 times in the theater, I don’t want to see it. They are not the critics I would listen to. My wife got mad at me because I didn’t like it. She said I was not romantic. I said “Bologna, I am Mr. Romantic. I just happen to prefer reality to this bullshit sugarized Hollywood definition of love and class struggle.” It’s this kind of bullshit that leads all those 14 year old girls to believe that Johnny really loves them as he fucks their brains out in the back seat of his car. And anyway, if she love him so much, why’d she let him hang off that wooden thing to die of hypothermia?”

7. Telemarketers. Hey, I know these people have to make a living, but not at 7:30 am on a Saturday. Who the fuck buys anything at that hour on a Saturday anyway, except crack addicts - and they’ll find their crack on their own. I have a saying: “ My phone is in my house for MY convenience.” I don’t answer the phone when the Baywatch credits are rolling (Run Pamela, run). I answer it when I want to and if it’s a telemarketer I just hang up. Rudeness counts here. I even had one telemarketer call me back to hang up on me. Hey pal, if you think calling me back makes your life any less shitty you are an asshole! Another good option if you’re feel extra sporting, waste their time, listen, drag them on (well I just inherited $48,000 I don’t know what to do with). Another good one is if they ask for my wife I tell them she died yesterday. I start sobbing (Whooooooooah! Why? Why? Dear God why?) They freak out. It’s a far more entertaining pastime than baseball.

8. Trekkies. Set your phaser on stupid fucking asshole with no life. This show was 30 years ago. Are you from the planet Dildohead? Besides, The X-Files is much cooler.

9. Women who believe that men keep them down. Maybe this was true 50 years ago, but the last time I looked my wife had a better job than I. It’s because she respects herself and won’t take shit from anybody. So quite whining bimbo and get some self respect. And another thing if you care that I called you a bimbo that’s your problem. Who the fuck cares what anybody else thinks of you? What matters is what you think of yourself you simple minded cocksucker. Do you care that I called you that? No? Good, that means you’re learning something!

10. The person who wrote the manual that came with my TV. Under the heading “Troubleshooting: No picture can be seen," the advice given is “Are you facing the TV?” Oh, That’s the problem I was facing the microwave.

11. People who let their dogs shit in parks and leave it there. Now I’m walking around with crap on my shoe, stinking up everywhere I go because you are to rude, inconsiderate, and selfish to pick up your dog’s shit. I especially hate those big dogs. You know the ones. They leave behind piles so big that you think an elephant was in the park. They teach manners in kindergarten. Do you need a refresher course?

12. Adulterers. This was added at my wife’s suggestion. Boy, they piss her off. Try watching the Frank Sinatra Bio-Pic with her. Forget it. She got pissed at me because Frank was cheating. NO ASTERISKS HERE, HONEY. I LOVE YOU!

13. The Paparazzi. (I actually wrote this before the Lady Di accident.) They are just stalkers with cameras. Free tip for you stars: You got money. Spend it wisely: revenge. If you punch these leeches you could wind up in court, but if you take my advice you are working within the law. If there is a particularly bothersome paparazzi hanging around your place pay somebody to follow him, in fact pay two people: make it a 24 hour a day job. It’s “reverse paparazzi-ing”. Have the asshole followed everywhere. Every second that he is on public property take pictures, videos, or just shine a flashlight in his face (that should annoy him). Torture the bastard relentlessly. He started it. It’s the old Italian adage: “You Fucka with me, I’ma gonna fucka with you.” Now that’s money well spent.

14. People who litter. What, is the whole world your personal garbage dump? I know Kermit The Frog says, “it’s not easy being green.” But how hard is it to find a trash can?

15. Men Who do “The Comb Over”, wear a bad toupee, or join The Hair Club. The only person you’re fooling is yourself! First let’s address “The Comb Over” guy. What does he say to his barber? “Cut the right side short, But I’m going for the Rapunsel look with the left side”. Secondly, let’s address “Bad Toupee” Guy. I’m going to set the record straight. You can’t get a good toupee for $1.99 at Wal-Mart, so pay up or give it up. And if you join the hair club, you are not only a member, you’re also an idiot. I’m not even going to mention the “Spray Your Hair Out Of A Can” guy because it would be in poor taste to make fun of the mentally challenged.

16. The prisoner quoted as saying “We are treated like criminals” because he didn’t like the No Smoking No Porno No Coffee rule. (quoted from the book “America’s toughest sheriff: How we can win the war on crime” by Sheriff Joe Arpaio) This is the biggest problem in America, not even the criminals will admit they are at fault. Hey, Asshole. Yeah, you. The guy with no porno, caffeine or nicotine. The one who looks more shaken than James Bond’s martini. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. You are a criminal you fucking asshole. That’s why you are treated like one.

17. People who push their way off of airplanes, reach over your head to get their luggage, and smack you in the head with it. You’re going to have to wait much longer when the ambulance comes to resuscitate me. So calm down. Easy does it. Wait your turn.

18. * People who insist on stuffing their carry on luggage into the overhead compartment even though it takes them twelve years. I know given enough time, I can stuff a camel up there, but it doesn’t mean others want to wait for me to do it.

19. People who drive drunk. I’ve got a better idea. Walk home and prove how sober you are by 1) shaving your pit bull’s testicles or 2) clipping your toenails with a chainsaw. That way you only hurt yourself or your dog and yourself.

20. People who drive drunk, get caught, and continue to drive drunk. What’s it going to take for you to wise up?

21. Candy Lightner who founded Mothers Against Drunk Driving in 1980 after her daughter was killed by a drunk driver. What a touching story! What a noble cause! How can such a devoted and loving mother, who fought the Big fight against the liquor companies in her daughter’s name be an asshole? Well apparently by 1994 she forgot all about the big fight and decided to go for the big money. She took a job as a lobbyist (the scum of the scum) for the American Beverage Institute which represents many breweries. According to the New York Times her first assignment was “working against state laws tightening the standards for drunk driving”. What a sellout. Your daughter would be ashamed. How can you live with yourself, asshole.

22. Deadbeat dads. You had the kids; take care of them. It’s called responsibility. Heard of it asshole?

23. Doctors who have never paid back their student loans. I don’t think I can afford to pay your doctor’s bill. How do you like it?

24. Parents who abandon their children either physically or emotionally. Do you like sex? So do I! But wait, something unexpected happened. You had a kid. So be a parent jerk. I’m sure if you put as much effort into parenting as you did in getting laid you could be a good parent.

25. Liars. Lies are like cheetahs, they catch up to you eventually, and when they do it gets ugly.

26. Homophobics. Live and let live. What’s it matter to you? Their private life should not matter. The problem is your own fears, insecurities and small mindedness, not where two consenting adults lick or stick their stuff.

27. People who oppose gay marriages. With the divorce rate as high as it is it’s obvious the heterosexuals haven’t got this marriage thing down. Maybe gays would appreciate the sanctity of marriage a little more because of what they must go through to get it. Bottom line love is love between consenting adults.

28. Parents who disown their kids because they are gay. How Shallow can you be? They are your flesh and Blood for God’s sake.

29. People who think gays should be banned from the military. Many gays are good soldiers. If I’m lying in some ditch bleeding all over the place I will welcome help from anybody. I don’t care if the guy just sucked off the entire cast of Rent, if he is brave enough to rescue me then I say “ Thank you. You are one hell of a soldier. I am proud to have you in the military. Oh, by the way do you think you can get me some tickets to Rent? They are hard to come by and I hear you know the cast.”

30. Ralph Reed. Fuck you. If your God stands for what you stand for I’d rather burn in hell. And if I do, I’ll be coming for you! However, I don’t think any Supreme being is as stubborn, arrogant, conservative, simple minded, unforgiving, and uncompassionate as you are. I read a bumper sticker (which, by the was is where I get all my great religious discourse) that said: The Religious Right Is Neither. I concur.

31. People who are so vain that they worry that their six month old-18 lbs. baby (normal range for that age) is too fat and puts it on a diet. Nice values.

32. People who sexually harass others. Harass is one word, not two. How hard up can one loser be?

33. Poachers who kill elephants, rhinos, and other endangered species just for profit. The end doesn’t justify the means. Oh, you only do it for the money. Well, what if I put a bounty out on your head? I’m sure your fellow poachers wouldn’t mind hunting you down and killing you. After all they’re just doing it for the money.

34. People who are 1000 years old and drive at least 15 mph under the speed limit. You don’t have much time so you might want to get there a little quicker.

35. * Young punks who think they are great drivers and drive at least 15 mph over the speed limit. What’s the rush? You got a “hot” date? Ask her about the virtues in taking your time, Mr. Speedy.

36. KKK members. There is a better use for sheets. It’s called a bed.

37. Racists.

38. Parents that would disown their child for marrying somebody of a different race. The child is probably better off without you.

39. The driver who doesn’t wave a thank you once you let them in front of you. Get some manners. And they wonder where Road Rage comes from...

40. Politicians that take money from the tobacco lobby.

41. Politicians that want to repeal the automatic weapons ban. How far up the NRA’s ass is your head. Need some more campaign donations? If the thrill of the hunt is man vs. nature, why do you need to blow the duck to smithereens with an uzi: sportsmanship? Wake up. It’s the gangs, terrorists and other friendly criminal types who are using automatic weapons.

42. The ad agency that came up with the “Joe Camel” campaign. That doesn’t target kids? How stupid do you think Americans are? OK, don’t answer that smartass!

43. Elvis. For letting fame go to his head and killing himself with drugs. And yes, I do forgive him for the jumpsuits.

44. * People who borrow things but they never return them. I have this “thing” I borrowed, but the person doesn’t remember I have it. I’ve had it so long that I’m embarrassed to give it back.

45. Celebrities who think they are God’s gift to mankind. Don’t be such a stuck up asshole. Maybe someday your career will slide and you’ll be about as popular as Tele Savalis. “Who loves ya, baby?” Nobody!

46. Celebrities who charge for their autographs. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth Mr. Celebrity. Without the fans you would be a nobody.

47. Fans who pay for an autograph. Wise up! These so called stars aren’t worth it.

48. These actors who have a hit TV show and are making tons of cash, but decide to leave the show because they are big stars. You remember - old what’s-his-name...

49. The people who come into movies five minutes late and set their big fat head right in front of you. Get a watch pal, or are you just too stupid to read the schedule.

50. People who talk in movies. Shut the fuck up! I don't want to hear about the boil on your ass. I'm watching the movie. If you want to chit chat there are only about a billion more appropriate places to do it.

51. People who bring babies to a movie. Get a baby-sitter you cheap bastard, or get a friend to sit for you. I didn’t pay $7.50 to hear your brat cry.

52. Football stars who get caught in a hotel room with a couple of hookers and a shit load of cocaine and have the balls to say to the arresting officer “Do you know who I am?” Yeah, an asshole that can catch a football. Big deal, the world needs inmates too.

53. Unfortunately, since I wrote the previous entry the courts let this star - OK, you guessed it, it’s Michael Irvin, off with a measly four year probation, 800 hours of community service, and a $10,000 fine (ouch, that must hurt - what is that 5 minutes of pay). I guess if you are famous the rules don’t quite apply. The judge who passed sentence doesn’t have to worry about borrowing Michael’s jock because he has no balls. My grandmother used harsher punishments than that!

54. In Regards to Michael Irvin a young fan was quoted in the Dallas Morning News as saying “He’s still my hero. I mean, he’s Michael Irvin, and he plays for the Cowboys.” Get a dictionary kid. A hero is “Any person noted for feats of courage or nobility.” Nowhere does it say “some dumb coke sniffing asshole who can catch a football!” I know you are just a kid and I pray to god you wise up because if you don’t you’re destined to be one dumb mother fucker. A Note to parents: these are the heroes our children choose. Be afraid. Be very afraid. We must work overtime to teach our kids about real heroes or alas, they may turn into assholes too.

55. The Commissioner of the NFL. He let off Michael Irvin with a five game suspension. What a joke you have made of the NFL. Why don’t you give him a sponge bath and a blow job while your at it. Hopefully Americans will wise up and realize that professional sports are sending the wrong messages to our children and boycott these scumbags.

56. Sports teams that draft players with drug habits or continual run-ins with the law. How about giving our children role models that actually have values instead of these drugged out assholes. There are more things to life than pitching fast, hitting homers, or catching a football.

57. * People with no rhythm that insist on dancing anyway. Well, they are not actually assholes; they just look like assholes. If you don’t care and are just having fun: go for it, but if you are trying to pick up someone: give it up. Either way, I want you to know people are laughing at you.

58. The person who is so stupid that they force companies (in order to avoid frivolous lawsuits) to print directions on shampoo bottles. You mean you don’t drink the stuff?

59. That asshole of an old lady who spilled McDonalds’ coffee in her lap while she was driving. I can’t believe she had the gall to sue. You are a complete asshole and one of the major problems with our legal system. I don’t think the term “don’t drink and drive” was coined for you lady, but how about taking the bus next time.

60. The Judge or Jury that awarded “The McDonalds’ Coffee Lady” a huge settlement. For that kind of money I would spill hot coffee on my head while dancing a polka and singing “You light up my life," but it doesn’t mean it was McDonalds’ fault. Use some common sense asshole.

61. The McDonalds’ Coffee Lady. McDonalds had to make it's coffee less hot as part of the settlement. Now I have to drink cold coffee because some 1000 year old lady (who was probably driving 15 mph below the speed limit) is a klutz.

62. People who do not give up their seat on a bus to the elderly or a lady that is pregnant. Make your mom proud. Get up, you lazy bastard.

63. People who are not handicapped, but park in handicapped spots. Walk a little, asshole. Feel lucky to have legs you ungrateful bastard.

64. Hey, have I offended anyone yet? Lighten up, asshole!

65. Rapists. People say it is a crime of power. If you want power, try weightlifting.

66. Murderers.

67. That guy who shot the pope. You have no respect, but you do have some pretty big balls. What if the Catholics are right? Ever here of Eternal Damnation?

68. Child molesters. You are the scum of all scum. You should be tortured slowly and left to die!

69. Child molesters who complain about being on public lists of where they live. Hey you fucking asshole, you molest children. What rights are you talking about? As far as I’m concerned your rights end once you stick your finger up a 10 year old's ass! I hope everyone knows where you live and they fuck with you mercilessly. That’s real justice. Your 2 years in jail, if that, is not justice. Just ask the kid whose life you fucked up.

70. The person who gave Kenny G. his sax lessons. I know you couldn’t have predicted the outcome, but the world will never forgive you. Is he the same guy who taught Michael Bolton to sing? Just wondering...

71. The guy at the Boston University Computer Store who sold me my 286-piece-of-shit-obsolete-before-I-even-walked-out-the-door-computer for $3000. Oh, I forgot to mention the state of the art dot matrix printer that came with it. That was a great graduation gift (sorry mom).

72. People who throw their cigarette butts everywhere. What, is the world your personal ashtray? Keep listening to Bob Dole. Cigarettes don’t cause cancer. You can’t litter forever.

73. That Crybaby “I spray painted cars, but don’t want to face the consequences” weasel they caned in Singapore. It’s called justice you fucking whiner. Why do you think the residents obey the laws in Singapore? Oh, Because some big karate mother fucker is going to beat my ass so hard that I can gain easy access into the Guinness Book Of World Records As “The Man That Didn’t Sit Down For Three Years”. You are the one of the big problems in the world: People don’t want to take responsibility for their actions. You tried everything: whining to your parents, crying to the Singapore government, crying to the US government but it didn’t work! That’s What makes you such an asshole. You lost every ounce of self respect you had, People all around the world think you are a weasel and you still got caned! I call that funny shit.

74. The parents of the fuckball they caned. Nice Job of parenting. I know one of the big lessons I want to teach my kids is “If you can weasel out of the consequences of your actions, go for it. It’s the American way.

75. That First Grader (You Know The Sexual Harasser). This kid should be expelled from school & put in a Home For Deviates. How could he kiss a little girl on the cheek. I mean she asked him to, but, there is no place for kissing in the 1st grade. NOT!!!!!!!!!!!! What is this world coming to when a kid can’t be a kid. It was a peck on the cheek for God’s sake. He didn’t throw her down in the alley and bang her. Okay, I agree that kids today (oh my God, did I just use that Phrase?) know a lot more “stuff” at a younger age, but 1st graders are still 1st graders. They learn what is appropriate by experience. Most kids make fun of each other, send unwanted “love notes”, hear a swear word at home and bring it to school, and play Doctor. Sure some (or a lot) of what they do is inappropriate for adults, but they are kids. Aren’t they suppose to act childish? How many business people shake hands and say, “Oh, I got girl cooties”? I have a great idea. I’m going to sue Katie. She was the first girl to ever kiss me. It was a peck on the cheek. I was a 1st grader then so I didn’t know that I was being used and discarded like a piece of Kleenex at a peep show. I didn’t know I was supposed to be offended. Hell, I was only a kid!

76. *People Who Play their Car Stereo Sooo Loud. Hey pal, are you deaf (you will be). I don’t need to hear that Super Dooper Bass sound pumping out of your car from six blocks away. I’d like to hear my music-that’s why I’m trying to listen to it.

77. *Kids who quit their music lessons. No truer words were ever spoken than a parent telling their child “If you want to stop your piano lessons you can, BUT, SOMEDAY YOU WILL BE SORRY.” I plan on being a good father: patient, devoted, interested, but most of all reasonable. I hope never to give my kids a “because I said so” except when they ask to quit their music lessons. I will not let them! I think they will be glad I didn’t let them stop. I wish my parents never let me stop playing the piano, I was too young to know the mistake I was making. Music is one of the true beautiful things in life and I want my children to be able to play. I think they will be glad I made them do it. If not, at least they can write a song about what an asshole I am.

78. Bullies. These little shit kids. Tough guys. Future chisel chests. They feel good by beating up other kids just for fun. Don’t get me wrong kids fight, that happens, but for fun? A guy I work with told me that when he was a kid he used to fight the other kids in the neighborhood for toys. Each kid would put up a toy and the winner would keep them both. If you think that’s terrible, what is boxing? At least both these kids wanted to fight. Bullies pick on kids who don’t want to fight. Kids that are too weak to pose a real threat. If I ruled the world, I would teach these bullies a hard lesson about life: sometimes the shoe is on the other foot! I would personally slap around these little pieces of shit. Rough ‘em up a bit. Teach ‘em a lesson. How do you like being beaten up? SLAP!... You’re not so tough now. Pow... There is always someone stronger than you. Bang... It’s no fun being the victim is it? slap...

79. People who make fun of Physically and Mentally handicapped people. Hey pal why don’t you count your blessings in stead of being an insensitive asshole.

80. Hey you. Yeah you. You’re an asshole.

81. Thomas Jefferson. For helping to author the line: “All men are created equal” while he owned slaves. If he was such a great man why did he not see the irony in this? I'll tell you what he did see - A lot of slave pussy! If I were black, I’d have a REAL problem with this. So would my High School history teacher.

82. The guy that wrote the book about the bell curve. Man, too bad he was born. Maybe I kould hav gon 2 Harvard.

83. * While I was walking to work today I was feeling sorry for myself, then I saw a man with no arms. It hit me like a ton of bricks: I am an asshole. What right do I have to feel sorry for myself? Part of the problem of America is asshole like me getting “down in the dumps”. Try brushing your teeth with your feet Asshole. That is something to be sad about. If you want something to feel sad about how about I have some drunk driver crash into your car paralyzing you from the neck down. I know you’re too big of a pussy to handle it with dignity like Christopher Reeves, but at least people would understand why you’re down. On second thought I’m pretty lucky. Now remember it asshole!

84. Guys that can blow themselves. First I gotta say, nice job. I’m impressed. Now I gotta say pay the $50 for a blow job pal. You have much too much time on your hands, and entirely too much cum on your face. Another thing, are these guys gay? What if they don’t swallow?

85. Anybody that calls my house after 10:00 PM. Hey fuckface, I’m sleeping (that fuckface doesn’t apply to you mom).

86. *Pussies that are sleeping at 10:00 PM. Get a life. Do something. Don’t be so fucking boring.

87. Anybody that calls you on your honeymoon. I’m fucking, okay? Are you stupid, it’s my honeymoon.(sorry mom)

88. Chicks who get boob jobs (yes, if you get a boob job the powers that be deems it OK to use the term chick.) You are part of the problem. You force our young girls to live up to standards that are unattainable. You’ve even ruined “real” huge titties for men because they look saggy compared to the cantaloupes in your bra. If you are so insecure that you need big tits for attention, then I’ll give it to you. Hell, I’m a good guy. Nice tits. No I mean it. Those are great tits. Holy boobalicious. Can I see em? Touch em? Lick em?

89. Chicks who get boob jobs, but don’t get big boobs. What’s up with this? Isn’t the point of a boob job big boobs? Do they charge by the pound? My Motto is “Go big or go home”.

90.* People who cut in line. Hey, asshole, do I look like Stevie Wonder? Well let me give you a hint. I don’t have a keyboard and I can’t sing. Yes, I saw you cut. Now get to the back of the line.

91. People who fake Illness. I worked with an alcoholic who pretended to have terminal cancer so that he could stay home and drink all day. Wow, What an asshole. Fuck you. He even shaved his head, but he forgot to shave his eyebrows. Ouch the fatal flaw (which was the only fatal thing about the situation- unless there is justice in the World and he is now dead while a real cancer patient had a miraculous recovery).

92. Chat room morons. Hey asshole, get a life:) Are you afraid of the real world? Are you Elephant Man ugly? Are you afraid to leave the house? Are you trolling for 14 year old boys? I don’t get how people can spend 20 hours a day in a chat room. THANK GOD!

93. Authors who employ prodigious (huge) locutions (phrases) so that they can appear adroit (smart). Ooo, Ahh, you are so smart. I am impressed. You sur yuz big werds m’am. Hey this is America, dumb it down a bit. We want E-Z reading. We don’t want to use a dictionary every five seconds.

94. *People who are jealous of those who know and can use the English language beautifully. Okay, I read a book recently that, on average, had 2 words a page, that I had absolutely no idea what they meant. I could kinda figure it out by its context, but I still wasn’t all that sure. Hey, get a dictionary you dumb shit. Take this opportunity to learn something new. Learning is one of the best things about reading. Just because you’re stupid doesn’t mean everybody is. I didn’t take this advice, instead I was pissed. I almost stopped reading the book, but then I thought “why should they dumb it down for me”? Hey, I still read books to relax, but you can also read them to learn . So after I’m done with this Dr. Suess book I’m currently reading (Where’s that damn dictionary) I’m going to read a classic.

95. Fill in the blank at work. There has got to be at least one ass kisser, gossip, back-stabber or shithead boss at your job. It’s the American way.

96. The Fossil Watch Company. I was shopping the other day when I went into a Fossil watch Co. store. I picked out a watch (it was the only one of its kind left), and was about to buy it when I noticed the battery was dead. “Hey”, I said, “could you replace the battery?” The Reply was unbelievable. “Uh. No. All our watches have a water tight seal. We don’t have the tools necessary to change the battery.” What assholes. The store is a watch store. That’s all they do! (well, to be honest, they started selling some other crap too) How the fuck can you sell watches that you can’t change the batteries for. That’s more fucked up than Dudley Moore on New Year’s Eve. It’s like selling clam chowder with no clams. “Well, we don’t have that shucking dohickie” or selling pens without ink. “Well, we don’t have that gettin’ the ink into the tube thing”.

97. The parents of that kid Who “slept over” at Michael Jackson’s house. Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you. You sacrificed your own child to celebrity. Are you just too stupid to know this is abnormal? Were you blinded by celebrity? (Oh yeah my son is sleeping at Michael’s) Or worst off, deep down in your filthy, rotting, maggot infested heart did you know what was happening but thought (Hey, we can get big dough if our little angel sucks off The King Of Pop). You get the money and your son gets fucked (literally and figuratively)

98. High School Newspapers that print birth announcements. That’s right folks H.S. papers all across our great land are printing birth announcements. A typical entry: Susie Smith-freshman, just gave birth to a healthy baby boy named Joe. The good news is she decided not to kill it which has been a very popular solution in recent years. The bad news: she’s not quite sure who the father is. She’s guessing that the father is either Joe, Pete, Ron, Aaron, Cody or those four boys from the party over at Jim’s house (that was a busy night). May we suggest 1(800) DNA TEST to solve this little problem. Anyway, congratulations to all!

99. Danyale Anderson. Danyale spent hundreds of hours preaching abstinence to the younger students at her high school. She also appeared before the school board to support an “abstinence-only health curriculum”. Sounds great, a nice, wholesome young women who still believes in abstinence and isn’t afraid to stand up for what she believes in. Unfortunately she wasn’t afraid to lay down for some big cock either. You see, Danyale had a baby out-of-wedlock during spring break 1996. She only gained 7 pounds, so she was able to hide from her parents, and apparently the school board, that a “short term boyfriend” impregnated her. The good news is Danyale “Still believes in (abstinence)”. To quote Natalie Wood in Miracle on 34th Street: “I believe, I believe. I know it’s silly but I believe”. Well, I believe too. I believe you are an asshole. Apparently abstinence is great, but hey, even Danyale knows fucking is better.

100. People who call the psychic phone network. Before you call I’ll save you $49 and give you a reading. YOU ARE A MORON. If your life sucks so bad that you must call con artists for advice you are in trouble. Get some meaningful help. You can call me at my “Meaningful Help Line” for just $2.95 a minute you can receive some real help. Call me at 976...

101. People who write shit on bathroom walls. If you think what I write is disturbing, you should read more bathroom walls. Now ladies, you may be exempt because I don’t really know what your walls say, but some of the most racist, homophobic and sexist things I have ever seen were written on bathroom walls. You know why? It’s a free forum. These sissies know they can never get caught. They will never have to defend what they say. To quote from one of the great Lethal Weapon movies (I think #2) they have “Diplomatic Immunity”. The fact that they would never say these things in public makes them smell worse than the shit they left in the toilet.

102. Child abusers.

103. Mr. & Mrs. Politically Correct America. You have the right to call yourself anything you want, but don’t expect me to automatically use the term. Handicapped people are by definition handicapped. If you can’t walk I consider it a handicap. Sure your also Physically challenged, but I’m not buying it. I can’t fart the Star Spangled Banner and that is a physical challenge (trust me on that one). If gays want to be called pussy deficient fine, but I’m gonna call you gay. No disrespect, I just call it like I see it. No bullshit, no cover-ups. You’re gay, I’m straight, end of story. I don’t call myself “Mr., I’ll treat that pussy right” (in public anyway), so don’t make up some bullshit term for who or what you are. To me people are fat(not overweight), white (not Caucasian), black (not African-American), gay (not alternative lifestyled), retarded (not mentally challenged), handicapped ( not physically challenged), Indian (not Native-American), bald (not follicley challenged), deaf (not hearing impaired), blind (not visually impaired), secretaries (not organizational assistants), alcoholic (not liquor unable), cops (not policemen, oh, okay policeperson), liars (not politicians), Magicians (not illusionists), ugly (not beauty deficient), big titted hottie (not falsely inflated lady) and computer geeks (not tech wizards). But most of all, to me people are assholes, so fuck you!